ALL I WANT FROM ‘SANTY’ IS MY SANITY
Rev. James L. Snyder
Christmas is the one time of the year when it is okay to be traditional. That may be the reason why so many people look forward to the Christmas holidays.
The rest of the year most people are under the pressure to be “non-traditional,” whatever that may mean. Today it is not politically correct to be traditional and if you are, you run the risk of being out of favor with the rest of society.
Christmas, however, is a different time altogether for everyone. July may be a good month to be non-traditional, but not December. There is a time to be non-traditional and then there is a time to regain your senses and enjoy the amenities of good, old-fashioned, traditionalism.
No matter how far away the young folks wander, Christmas draws them back to traditionalism like a magnet. (It might have something to do with pumpkin pie.)
One of the wonderful things about this time of the year is the many family traditions enjoyed and endured by families all around the world. In the parsonage, we have honored some great traditions through the years.
Each year, while the gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and our little brood decorated the Christmas tree, I busied myself in the kitchen making my special eggnog.
What was so special, was that each year it was different. I could not remember from one year to the other just how I made it. Usually it turned out all right, except for the year I forgot to put in the eggs.
Another tradition in the parsonage was the Christmas wish list for good ole Santy.
One of the practical reasons for this was to prevent my children from getting me a fluorescent orange necktie with a pink hoola-dancer on it. As a minister, there are precious few places to wear such neckwear.
The children of the parsonage are grown, with children of their own now, and the “wish list” has gone the way of all good things.
It is the one tradition I miss,and I wish it could be revived. If I could revive the “wish list,” there is one thing that would lead my list. All I want from dear ole Santy this year is my sanity.
The fact that I have lost my sanity, or at least, misplaced it, is quite curious. The curious thing about it is that I do not remember just when it was that I lost it.
Have you ever looked for something only to discover that you could not find it and could not remember just when you saw it last? If I could only remember when I last used my sanity, it might serve as a clue as to where it is right now.
It is not that it has been a major lost in my life, but there have been a few times when I could have used it.
For one, I could have used my sanity when I got married. Looking back, it seems that at the time, my sanity was somewhere, but not where I could use it readily.
My girlfriend (now the Mistress of the Parsonage) flashed her beautiful eyes at me and whispered, “Let’s get married.”
Being the gentleman that I am, I found it hard to resist the wishes of a beautiful lady. That wasn’t the worst part.
While in that romantic mood she said, as if to strengthen her argument (and she got no argument from me), “After all, two can live cheaper than one.”
I also could have used my sanity in several church situations. Once a church committee was interviewing me for the illustrious position of being their pastor. One of the members of the committee remarked, “And you will find, Brother Snyder, that this church really loves its pastor.”
Had sanity been by my side then, I might have seen the napkins around each neck and the knife and fork in each hand.
As soon as I said yes and moved in, the people commenced to eat me alive. (What communion wine goes with roasted pastor?)
To be fair about this matter, there have also been times when sanity would just have gotten in the way. Sanity would have caused me to take myself too seriously. That, of course, is a big mistake.
Nobody, especially a minister, should ever take himself or herself too seriously. For example, I know that I am not as good as some of the people in the congregation think I am, and I am not as bad as others say.
Several years back, in another congregation, an el-derly couple attended the church services. He developed Alzheimer’s and could not come to church. She, however, was most faithful in attending. As a ministry of the church, we prepared tapes of the Sunday services, and she always took one home for her husband.
One Sunday, as she was leaving the church, she warmly shook my hand and with tears in her eyes whispered to me, “Oh, brother Snyder, you will never know how much your sermons mean to my husband since he lost his mind.”
I was so thankful sanity was not by my side then. Other incidents through the years have only underscored my point. I have had many guest ministers in my pulpit throughout the years. The absence of any sense of sanity has kept me in good stead here.
Following a service with a guest speaker, invariably someone will say to the guest as they leave the church, “We sure haven’t heard preaching like that for a long time. Please come back soon.”
As I think about this, and add up the pros and cons, I am not sure exactly what that means.
With the stress of days like these, there is one verse from the Bible that comforts me in all this: “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” (Isaiah 26:3 KJV.)
If Santy does not bring my sanity this year, it will not be a major calamity.
About the Author
Rev. James L. Snyder is an award winning author and popular columnist living in Ocala, FL with his wife Martha.
We must protect Washington DC from floods and International Terrorists. We must protect the great men and women and our noble leaders. We must protect the heart of our nation from the Bird Flu. We must protect our nations Capital from corrupt lobbyists, sex workers and bribes.
We must protect the American People and we need a strong government to do all of that. Washington DC is the wrong place for our nations capital and we need to move it to a safer location. I propose we move Washington DC to Dodge City Kansas.
It is perfect in every way and when the wind is blowing just right you will know why and totally agree with everything I am saying here. The center of the nation is a much safer place to put the capital; safe from harm our leadership will be.
Plus there is a major bonus in Dodge City Kansas and that is if the politicians are caught for corruption they can easily get out of Dodge on any of the lonely two-way highways leading straight out of town. Plus the place smells like cow manure and cowshit for miles away. And it will be perfect and all of our wonderful and noble podium politicians will feel right at home together.
It is the perfect place for Washington DC in every regard and it is already full of cow manure and the cows will not even notice, neither will the locals. Please consider all this in 2006. You are darn right I am serious! Vote for Lance lets run this government our way for the People and by the People.
A group that calls itself humanist terrorists was apprehended by the FBI in a preemptive strike in Miami. The terrorist cell, which claims affiliation with the Middle Atlantic terror group all-Libraries, was infiltrated by an FBI operative.
The leader of the group confided to the informant that the members planned to plant explosive books in various locations throughout the United States, including the Sears Tower, a number of FBI buildings, and radical Muslim mosques.
The humanist terrorist group had been operating out of the basement of an as yet undisclosed free public library in Miami. The FBI found plentiful evidence of the group’s plans, including many intelligent books generally considered to be easily accessible and therefore highly dangerous.
At a news conference held to announce the arrests, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated, “Fortunately, the plot by this home-grown terrorist cell was disrupted in the planning stages. The group was still trying to get funding to acquire a sufficient number of books.”
In a deposition, a spokesman for the humanist terrorists confessed, “We were planning to spread enlightenment wherever we could, so we selected two of the most informative and readable philosophy books of recent times, both by the leading but now deceased humanist terrorist Bertrand Russell. First, we were going to stage an attack with his landmark The History of Western Philosophy, just to provide people with an overview of our radical ideology. Then we hoped to follow that up with a strike using The Selected Writings Of Bertrand Russell. Our goal was, I confess, to disrupt the new Dark Age that appears to be descending on a worldwide basis.”
The prosecuting attorney outlined the government’s case, saying, “The confession of this self-styled humanist terrorist clearly indicates there was a clear intention to disrupt the deadly ignorance that pervades much of today’s society. Obviously, the group poses a threat to the widespread determination of much of the world’s population to return to a time so wonderfully ill-informed that it can truly be described as The Dark Ages come back.”
The families of the terrorists were startled by the arrests and continued to maintain that the suspects are innocent.
As one mother said, “My son is not a terrorist. He’s a good boy who somehow came to believe in radical ideas like truth and wisdom. If he’s freed on bail, I promise to limit his reading time.”
Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”
What we really want to know is, “Are there any entertaining or
interesting programs on television?” We now have at least ninety-
six channels to choose from, even though two have duplicate
programming and five are in Spanish. Here’s a list of currently
available offerings:
…Infomercial on how to turn your life savings into a million dollars
or nothing in one month.
…Chucky watches Binky discover his winky.
…The life and times of an ant colony. (repeat).
…Actual police raid in Los Angeles (re-creation of a re-creation, not to be confused with real life.)
…How to own an amazing and unbelievable cheese grater for only $39.99 in four easy payments.
…Situation Comedy - Three men and a goat. (Unsuitable for
children under 18).
…Exerciserama. How to remain thin exercising for only three
hours per day. Photographed on an actual rooftop in San
Francisco.
…Sci Fi movie of the week. Nancy discovers that her hometown
boyfriend is not from her hometown, is not her friend and is not a boy.
…Actual taped footage of a Unitarian Service including selections from the over-70 choir. Four hours.
…Stock Market graphs showing a rising market followed by seven
reasons why we all lost money last month.
…Yesterday’s news in a new user friendly entertainment
production.
I remember television from the sixties when we could choose
from only seven channels. The meager offerings included: All in
the Family, The Carol Burnett Show, The Sound of Music, You
Bet Your Life, The Honeymooners, Mannix, Taxi, Mission
Impossible, Dean Martin’s Roast, The Lucy Show and The Untouchables.
Writing is much more fun than television.
